After France’s wars of religion came good King Henry IV, le roi de la poule au pot. After Britain’s Brexit wars comes good King Boris, a monarch of unbounded benevolence, setting out to unify once more the divided kingdom in a common patriotism and prosperity.
Such at least was king Boris’s demeanour today as he scattered with royal magnanimity the fruits of victory among his followers.
David Morris (Con, Morecambe and Lunesdale) wants the Eden Project to come to Morecambe: King Boris assured him “the Eden Project is very likely to come to Morecambe”.
Dehenna Davison (Con, Bishop Auckland), a new MP who captured her seat from Labour and the eye of spectators by wearing bright pink two rows behind the PM, wanted his support for the stroke rehabilitation unit in her constituency.
After congratulating her and all new Conservative MPs on their victories, King Boris assured her in his most gracious manner that “it is our intention to help Bishop Auckland”.
There were, of course, a few cavilling agitators of a republican disposition who proved immune to King Boris’s charm.
Chief among these was Jeremy Corbyn, who was worried by the assassination of General Suleimani and asked what evidence there was “that this was not an illegal act”.
King Boris said “that man had the blood of British troops on his hands”. He waxed very hot as he said this, and expressed surprise that Corbyn “has yet to condemn the activities of Qasem Suleimani”.
The Scottish Nationalists tried to disconcert King Boris by calling on him to hold another referendum on independence.
Their leader, Ian Blackford, has bagged the first seat below the gangway, where Dennis Skinner used to sit until ejected by the electors of Bolsover.
King Boris said the people of Scotland had decided in the referendum of 2014 to remain within the most successful Union the world has ever seen, and everyone had agreed at that time that this should be a once-in-a-generation event.
The new Speaker, Lindsay Hoyle, brought PMQs to a close within 31 minutes: a vast improvement on the unhappy practice instituted by his predecessor of allowing it to drag on for almost an hour.