You’ll be aware that in recent years a series of prizes involving Cabinet Ministers have been auctioned off at the Party’s Black and White Ball in order to raise funds.
For example, a bidder reportedly paid £12,500 at this year’s event for a home-cooked dinner with Michael Gove and his wife at their London residence.
My humble suggestion is that this practice be adapted to increase support among colleagues for the Prime Minister’s Brexit deal. May I float the use of a sliding scale as follows?
- Supportive tweet quoting the Prime Minister. Reward: Special one-off Ghost Train “Project Fear” Halloween-Style Ride with Gavin Barwell and Robbie Gibb. Complete with scary tales of lost medicines and water shortages. Midnight stop-off at the London Dungeon. Trick…or trick? Will make your flesh creep!
- Supportive letter to Association Chairman. Reward: Ten day fact-finding one-person Parliamentary delegation to the Seychelles to assess tourism opportunities.
- Supportive open letter to constituents. Reward: Special Forces-type personal security training. Endure 24 hours of non-stop interrogation techniques overseen by Tom Tugendhat and Johnny Mercer. Vitamin substitutes provided. Fully ECHR compatible. Rescue by Gavin Williamson an optional extra.
- Full info to whips office from ERG What’sApp Group. Reward: Relief road in constituency funding announcement.
- Full briefing to whips office from ERG meeting. Reward: Free colonic irrigation treatment session, personally administered by the Health Secretary. Broadcast live via the Matt Hancock App! Complete with emergency medical back-up from his assistants Drs Phillip Lee and Sarah Wollaston. (Informed consent required.)
- Supportive question in 1922 Committee meeting. Reward: Hospital upgrade in constituency funding announcement.
- Supportive question in the Commons. Reward: “Know your Northern Ireland” quiz at Hillsborough Castle. Host: Karen Bradley. Comes complete with fully regulatory-aligned tour of the UK-Ireland land border, as compliant with the Good Friday Agreement, North-South co-operation and the all-island economy.
- Supportive speech in the Commons. Reward: Capita-enabled HS2 bypass tunnel in constituency. (Cost as estimated by provider: £15 million. Cost as confirmed by National Audit Office: £1.7 billion.)
- Supportive speech against second referendum. Reward: Mystery dinner with Philip Hammond at Dorneywood. Menu to be forecast by Treasury experts. A truly frictionless experience! P.S: guests are advised to bring their own sandwiches.
- Supportive speech for second referendum. Reward: Promotion to PPS to a Minister of your choice.
- Supportive or unsupportive speech on Norway option, as required. Reward: One-off luxury cruise of the fjords masterminded by your host, Kaptein Michael Gøve, and his batman, Sjefsleder Nicholas Bøles. A smorgasord of delights. Canadian leg of voyage postponed. Lykke til!
- Suppportive vote against second referendum. Reward: Promotion to Under-Secretary of State at department of your choice.
- Supportive vote for second referendum. Reward: Dance the Lambada Strictly-style with Jeremy Hunt at Chevening. Practice sessions to be conducted in Chinese. Or Japanese – I forget which. As may he. Warning: Craig Revel Horwood is the sole judge. A complete dance disaster!
- Supportive or unsupportive vote on Norway Option, as required. Reward: Promotion to Minister of State at department of your choice (plus privy councillorship).
- Supportive speech in debate on meaningful vote. Reward: Enjoy the cannabis oil full-body massage experience, applied in person by Sajid Javid. No holds barred! Only recently legalised. Free towel and loofah provided. Hurry, hurry while Home Office stocks last.
- Supportive vote in debate on meaningful vote. Reward: Promotion to the Cabinet at department of your choice (subject to negotiation). Plus: option to take the David Lidington University Challenge. Beat the maestro and win a knighthood! And replace Ian Liddell-Grainger in the order of succession.
I greatly regret the non-availability of certain colleagues for this Parliamentary tree of promises, due to non-availability, resignation from Government, or both.
So it comes about that you will be unable to offer, say, judo with Dominic Raab, Sext with Jacob Rees-Mogg or sky-diving with Steve Baker (parachute optional).
Finally, you will see that none of these suggestions involve the provision of honours, though you are welcome to discuss any that do with myself and Lady, sorry, Mrs Prufrock at a secure location, the address of which is to be determined by yourself and myself.