Former Prime Minister Baroness Thatcher has told the distractingly gorgeous correspondent for the Miskatonic Herald of a necessary but traumatising incident in 1990 involving Michael Heseltine.

“I went to stroke him and he started biting me,” she explained.

“If you have a Big Beast that turns on you, you just cannot risk it. So I took Michael’s collar – a short of choker chain – and pulled it tight.”

“Suddenly he went limp. I was devoted to Michael, his coat was so long and glossy, but he’d obviously had some sort of mental breakdown.”