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At times of international tension and crisis it is vitally important
that men and women of goodwill do everything in their power to nuke the
enemy before they get us
to reach out with the hand of friendship to
pluck the flower of peace from the nettles of despair.

To help this essential task, Conservative Home presents this
cross-cultural, fully-inclusive, non-judgmental, radical, innovative,
multimedia, on-line guide to North Korea to explain why there’s really
nothing for you to worry about if the world’s last Stalinist regime
headed by a paranoid psychotic with a dodgy haircut has now acquired
the ability to blow up the planet.


Culture

Koreapic1_1
They go in for singing a lot in North Korea, probably because after
finishing their compulsory military training drill there isn’t a fat
lot else to do of an evening.  Fortunately, most North Koreans are able
to combine their nation’s two legal hobbies at once with plenty of
toe-tapping routines from the hit parade – well, just parade, actually:
left, right, left, right, look at these plucky little fellows competing
in popular local TV show Strictly Come Marching.

The idea has somehow got around that North Korea is cut-off and isolated from the rest of the world.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  As a sign of how open the country is to Western influences – and that it is totally committed to equal rights, even for women – is this picture of its leading recording artist.
Koreapic2
Staff Sergeant Nu Claire Win Tah has a new single out, a cover of that old Lulu favourite Boom Bang A Bang.  With a happy, upbeat tempo this is the sort of optimistic smiley music your parents fell in love to.

There’s plenty of eye candy for the ladies, too.  North Korea has several boy bands, the most prominent of which is Take That And That And That. Following certain “musical differences” the remaining survivor at liberty is this young hunk, Brigadier-General Hah Toh Mik Wah Hed.  His latest (and possibly last) hit is an updated version of The Final Countdown.  Rather shorter than the original, I believe.

Koreapic3
Politics

As it happens, North Koreans don’t go in for politics much.  Not for them the daily tedium of wading through the predictable same-old same-old postings on Conservative Home where people disagree with the leader!  The whole country is 100% united behind charismatic statesman Kim Jong Il.  Go to Pyongyang and you won’t be able to find a single person prepared to criticise him.

It would be typically arrogant for us, wouldn’t it, in our complacent Western way to dismiss this as backward.  Which of us, trudging back from another disappointing election night count at the town hall, would not envy the record of the Korean Communist Party, who have never lost a vote, ever?  As the official History of Korea website says in regard to the 1947 elections “All the Korean people without exception elected the Great Leader Kim Il Sung as the President” LINK: http://www.korea-dpr.com/history297.htm

Koreapic4CCHQ could surely learn something from the Dear Leader, one feels.  The parallels are closer than you might think.  Any ConHome regular who dislikes the new Oak Tree logo will be reassured to discover that the Torch of Freedom hasn’t been lost forever.  It’s alive and well as the symbol of the mass gymnastics event held to celebrate the 60th birthday of Kim Jong Il.

Is the Tory core vote about to be attacked from the Left?

Foreign Policy

William Hague can rest easy.  North Korea is very proportionate in its use of force.  If you ignore the years 1950 to 1953 then they’ve never attacked anyone at all.  They’ve even made sure that no-one can provoke them into war through kidnapping their soldiers – they have sensibly ringed the entire country with mile-wide minefields patrolled 24/7 by local army groups holding spontaneous choir practices and rifle shooting.  What thoughtful chaps they are.

Immigration

There is no immigration in North Korea.  Nigel Farage MEP will soon be holding a fact-finding mission to consult Kim Jong Il on how he has managed to achieve one of UKIP’s key policy objectives.  An obvious benefit of being Better Off Out of the EU?

Emigration

There is no emigration from North Korea.  They love it so much they simply can’t tear themselves away from the place!  The country is so wonderful in fact that thousands of citizens decide to take extended holidays over several years in specially constructed tourist camps in the scenic uranium and salt-mining districts of the romantic mountainous north east.

Economics

North Korea is a socialist nirvana which has abolished private property and the destructive strife caused by upward mobility.  Adam Smith Institute please note: no unemployment or welfare dependency here.  Millions of people are quite happy to share in the proceeds of growth by working in the fields every hour of the daylight.  What more proof could you want of their social responsibility?  North Koreans are so devoted to the principles of ecology that they have wisely turned their backs on the false glamour of globalisation.  They simply refuse to make anything that anyone else might want to buy.

Cuisine

A lot of lies are told about Korean cuisine, such as the myth that they eat dogs.  This is completely untrue.  The last dog in North Korea died many years ago.  Because they have rejected the wastefulness of capitalist competition, North Koreans enjoy an abundance of the good, simple things in life.  Everyone has as much grass to eat as they want.

Local delicacies include boiled grass, fried grass and raw grass.  Jamie Oliver is rumoured to have drawn inspiration from North Korea for his next TV series on school dinners – and as Boris Johnson will tell you, you can’t argue with that.

Conclusion

Hands off North Korea!  It is a faraway country of which we know nothing, and now is not the time to go blundering in with ignorant neo-con notions of freedom, justice, decency and international security.  The only way to make Kim Jong Il see sense is to give him what he wants.  After all, although Appeasement has a bad name these days, everyone forgets that it successfully delivered peace in 90% of the 1930s.

PS Author’s note.  For anyone curious to know, the pictures above are genuine North Korean items which can be purchased from the Korean Friendship Association (see here or join here).  Hat tip to Fink.

10 comments for: William Norton: Our friends the North Koreans

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