when the UK traditionally takes a holiday from having any newsworthy
events. So, to fill the gap, the Editor asked me to monitor what is going
on overseas using the sophisticated high technology listening devices concealed
within the secret dungeon below 18 Doughty Street (you know the secret
dungeon I mean: the one where Lord Lucan, Princess Diana and other ConHome
regulars meet to plot the next coup by IDS and play Scrabble).
of news going on – practically some each day – so here, as part of
ConHome’s relentless crusade to bring you the best information possible, is
a selection of the top news items from around the world with free added
commentary from the top local commentators.
moment. To gain a better perspective I spoke to top Hungarian commentator
Nikolai Romanovinson, the London correspondent for Bulls Blood
Corporation TV, while he was having lunch in a top restaurant.
international position to deteriorate. A gimmick-happy Prime Minister who
admits to telling relentless lies. A discredited state-controlled
broadcasting monolith which churns out leftist propaganda. Is it any
wonder I hate working in Londongrad? I’m surprised you lot don’t have a
revolution, storm the BBC and shoot Jim
Naughtie." That’s a little harsh, isn’t it, I
demurred. "No. You English have spent too long under the yoke of
a Stalinist regime; you lack the naturally freedom-loving, democratic traditions
of a country like Hungary. I know these things: I am inside the loop and
I’ve met Guido Fawkes. Now pour me another glass of that Chablis and sod
off until I call for the bill."
announced that, after much soul-searching, he has finally shelved plans to
appear in a biopic about the life of top Byzantine Emperor Manuel II
Palaeologus. He called me from the top location where he was having his
latest film developed (Boots) and said: "My agent thinks I’m getting too
much heat at the moment so I’m going to lie low for a few years and go back to
wholesome uncontroversial films where I have my hair in a ridiculous perm and
shoot lots of people on the street in broad daylight. I mean, no one’s
going to be offended by that, are they? Well, not unless they’re some dumb
woman or gay, I suppose."
change, the left-wingers have been thrown out. Here’s how the story was
reported by top Stockholm newsreader Anna Fiord:
country suffers a massive lurch to the right. The next government will be
formed by the crypto-fascist Awfully Nice Sensible IKEA Party, whose
controversial leader Olaf Volvo created uproar when he claimed that ‘it
might be a good thing if taxes came down a bit’. Already experts are
casting doubt on whether civilisation will be able to survive this barbaric
ideological onslaught and independent commentators are predicting that
pensioners and orphans will be starving in gutters by Christmas…." Etc
Etc. A conservative party overturning an entrenched socialist government
by appealing to the moderate centre ground? These wacky foreigners,
inscrutable and efficient orientals they’ve found a cheaper and quicker way of
doing it than old-fashioned Western elections: the army’s gone in.
orders by, er, General Gordon, who seems to have got lost on his way to
Khartoum in the Sudan (but as the people of Darfur will tell you, that isn’t
actually news anymore). For greater enlightenment I emailed top
Bangkok newspaper "The Thaimes" and received a reply from top columnist
Sue Doku which said: "For the last few years the Prime
Minister’s reputation has been clouded by allegations of incompetence,
dishonesty, corruption, waste, arrogance, and being out-of-touch. A lot of
people feel that he has clung on to his job far too long and should have gone
earlier for the good of the country, but there was no way we could shift
him. In the end, the army was the only solution."
Staff is Air Chief Marshall Sir Jock Stirrup GCB, AFC, DSc, FRAeS, FCMI.
If you can’t get hold of him at the MOD (tel: 020 721 83255), try Strike Command
RAF High Wycombe (email@example.com).
old fossil which combines unique features of man and ape and represents the
final missing link in human history. The old fossil has spent the week in
Brighton giving interviews about what it feels like to take over from top
alcoholic Charles Kennedy.