Conservative Home is one of the most successful and widely read political blogs in the UK, and every day we have thousands of affluent, intelligent visitors who want to add some excitement to their drab, boring lives by reading our dazzlingly brilliant articles.  But we don’t let that success go to our heads, and we’re always prepared to spend time and effort both to remember and to help out those less fortunate than ourselves.

Home_office_1_1So we’re asking you today to consider helping a total charity case: the Home Office.

The Home Office is in Crisis and desperately needs Shelter.  Every day in Britain 1,000 dangerous criminals are on the run and have to conduct their nefarious thieving on the sly and at the risk of being deported because the Home Office let them out of jail.  But we don’t want you to think about them.  Stop thinking about them immediately. 

Every year 80,000 people are stuck in over-crowded out-dated accommodation because the Home Office forgot to build any new prisons and thousands of illegal immigrants get into the UK because the Home Office can’t defend our borders –  we certainly don’t want you worrying about either of those groups.  Everything is under complete control.  Honest.  Just on the law of averages, sooner or later the Police are bound to get lucky and shoot someone who’s actually a terrorist.

No, we want you to spare a thought for some people trapped in a dilapidated, sub-standard, ramshackle Victorian edifice.  Disorientated and totally unable to distinguish various parts of their anatomy, such as their elbow and their arse, they wander aimlessly round in circles, unfit-for-purpose, and they end up picking fights with judges and policemen.  Being a Home Office minister can seriously damage your mental health and rob you of your basic human dignity.

Take this man, for example – let’s just call him David Blunkett.  He
was a Home Office minister until Christmas 2004 when – through
absolutely no fault of his own whatsoever – he lost his job.  Now he’s
totally unemployable and serves no useful function at all.  "I did get
another job
," he sniffs bravely.  "But it didn’t last.  I lost my Work
& Pensions and I was thrown out on the street with nothing but a
luxury apartment in Belgravia.  They said I concealed the truth about
my business dealings, but I used to be Home Secretary: what other
skills do I have at my age?
"  A wreck of a man,
Blunkett hovers around the doorways of government departments in
Whitehall and television studios in Westminster, reduced to begging to
be taken seriously, with only a mangy old dog for company.

We say: end this scandal now!
  And that’s going to cost money. Your money.

  • £13 billion will keep the Home Office running for very nearly a whole year
  • £300,000 will pay for almost 5 special advisers who can keep
    embarrassing stories about the department out of the newspapers (whilst
    guaranteeing a steady flow of leaks about soft judges and why the
    Treasury is being run by an idiot)
  • a mere £80,000 will fund most of one Home Secretary (although,
    obviously, not one who knows what he’s doing, that would cost serious

We know you’ve already given very generously to the Home Office over
the last few years – and if Gordon Brown’s arithmetic doesn’t get any
better you’ll soon be giving an awful lot more to many "good causes". 

But you can make a difference.
  We’re all in this together.  You can be that change.  And you can make it here.

Put these people out of their misery today.
  You’ll feel much better
for doing it.  Don’t go down the pub tonight just give us your money.

If you can’t give cash, you can instead donate any unwanted prisons,
border checkpoints, discarded hangman’s nooses, policy reviews or
knee-jerk crackdowns via this link.  Please also use
the comments below to tell us in best Blue Peter fashion what events
round the country you’re organising with your local school to help Save
The Home Office.

Alternatively (if you prefer deserving cases) click on either of these: Shelter | Crisis

William Norton