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THE A TEAM
For the last ten years a crack group of candidates have been rejected by the electorate for crimes they didn’t commit.  These men – and women! – promptly escaped to a maximum security Priority List.  Today, still unwanted in the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune.  If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find out who on earth they all are, may be you can select…the A Team.

Starring: George Peppard as Col John "Hannibal" Cameron; Dirk Benedict as Lt Templeton "Faceman" Osborne; Dwight Schultz as Capt HM "Howling Mad" Maude; Mr T as your constituency’s next parliamentary candidate (probably).

CH verdict: Don’t you just love it when a plan comes together?

HONEY, I SHRUNK THE DEPARTMENT
Slapstick comedy.  John goes home to see Pauline to explain that he’s
lost his old job.  Apparently Tony, the boss, doesn’t think John is any
good at handling something larger than 2 inches and [THE REST OF THIS
REVIEW HAS BEEN DELETED BY THE EDITOR].


GREMLINS

The first and greatest comedy horror film.  Tony, a struggling
opposition spokesman trying to gain power, needs to find a present for
his son Euan (who was sober in those days).  An old Chinese gentleman
sells him a Majorwai, a vaguely right-wing lovable ball of grey fur
with a preference for market-based solutions but a strong sense of
social justice (and dislike of traffic cones).  It’s just what Tony
wants!  Soon he’s in power and living the life of luxury.  But he’s
forgotten the wise man’s warnings, and Euan feeds the creature after
midnight.  Suddenly it mutates into nasty horrible gremlins who get
into all the departments of state.  Chaos breaks out everywhere
(foreign prisoners get released; nurses get sacked; they forget to pay
the farmers, that sort of thing) and the creatures start leaving a
nasty trail of sleaze wherever they go.  Tony is driven frantic trying
to restore order.

Starring: nobody who’s going on to better things

CH verdict: When should Tony cut his losses and quit?
Now-now-now-now-ni-now.  Now-now-now-now-ni-now.
Now-now-now-ni-now-now-now-now-now.


C FOR CHIPOLATA

Pornographic version of "V for Vendetta".    John — [THAT’S QUITE ENOUGH OF THAT.]


KILL BILL

A joint production from Quentin Tarantino and Hansard.  Eu Serf dons the yellow jump
suit, reaches for the samurai sword, and leaps into a foreign sports
car: it’s time to cut to ribbons the evil Legislative & Regulatory
Reform Bill (which is threatening to abolish Parliament) through a
cunning and co-ordinated bloggers’ e-campaign.
There’s going to be dead bodies everywhere…

Starring: 37,634,576 corpses as Government spokesmen on regulatory reform

CH verdict: Can the Government’s reputation survive this onslaught?  For that matter – what about Uma Thurman’s?

***
PS: You’ve still got the Gremlins theme tune going round inside your head, haven’t you?  Sorry about that, W.

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