The film of the computer game. A fatal germ, the T-virus, escapes from a secret government New Lab which is controlled by a demented computer called The Red King. Once you’re infected you turn into a self-destructive zombie with an overpowering desire to stand as a Blairite candidate in your local council elections. An elite military unit (in unfeasibly skimpy clothing) is sent in to save the world by wheel-clamping everyone’s cars and towing them off to a compound in another town thirty miles away. No, I don’t understand Prescott’s transport policy, either.
Starring: Milla Jovovich as something infinitely more worth studying than anything happening in British politics at the moment.
CH verdict: The ideal film for people with a short attention span. Soon to be pod-cast by the Labour Party.
Laughable comedy. An eccentric poacher, Tony, who spends all his time working with reptiles, decides to wander off into the wilderness and go hunting for a kill. Unfortunately this is Australia so he’s using a boomerang, and it comes back to hit him in his didgeridoos. Bonzer, mate!
Starring: Paul Hogan as the comedian fighting for survival in a hostile environment.
CH verdict: Not as funny as the producers obviously thought it was going to be.
TO CATCH A THIEF
Classic thriller from Alfred Hitchcock. Suave, debonair con-man Tony swears he’s given up his criminal past and resigned himself to enjoying a life of luxury and ease surrounded by foreign millionaire jet-setters on the French Riviera. But a crime wave breaks out, involving vast amounts of money misappropriated in unbelievable circumstances – and it all bears Tony’s tell-tale trademarks. What is the real involvement of mysterious ice maiden Ruth, who seems to be sticking very close to Tony all of a sudden? Can he clear his name before the police close in? Visit Guido Fawkes‘ blog for the latest betting.
Starring: Cary Grant as Tony Blair; Grace Kelly as Ruth Turner
CH verdict: Quality entertainment – the film we’ve waited to see for years. The characters all play their part with inventiveness and verve before it all comes to an end. Once watched, never forgotten.
V FOR VIENNETTA
Political drama. A mysterious plotter who hides in the shadows wrecks havoc and destruction and brings down the government — of Italy. Oops! Still, now all that’s over, maybe he can get back to his proper job of inadvertently bringing down the British Government instead?
Starring: Hugo Weaving as David Mills; Natalie Portman as Tessa Jowell
CH verdict: We think it’s about time these two staged a comeback. They deserve their place in the spotlight.
Romantic epic. An intrepid explorer goes off to investigate the effects of global warming on the polar glaciers by, er, ramming his boat into an iceberg.
Starring: Leonardo di Caprio as a very promising newcomer
CH verdict: There’s no reason to think it isn’t unsinkable.
Film of the tribal musical. Young, innocent, wide-eyed, wide-mouthed Cherie arrives in the big city from the sticks and falls in with a tribe of weird counter-culture types wearing red roses in their hair who rebel against the beliefs and lifestyles of their contemporaries by infiltrating and taking over first the Labour Party and then the Government. They proceed to spend millions of taxpayers money on a variety of hairdressers (see here). But the group faces a moral dilemma: can they send young people off on the draft to fight and die in a foreign war for values alien to their beliefs? Yes, they can.
Starring: a bunch of nobodies who briefly made it big
CH verdict: This will quickly seem dated and go out of fashion. Highlights to watch out for: the big musical number "This is the dawning of the Age of Acquiring by Blairius" and "Good bye, Sunshine" (featuring the choir of the Metropolitan Police)