A bumper crop of new films for you down at the cinema this weekend. The vibrant state of this creative industry is a glowing testament to the brilliant work of our Culture Secretary, Tessa Jowell.
MY FARE, LADY
Heartwarming musical. A man with a brilliant way with words promises to pass off anyone as a lord and lady once he’s taught them how to say the right things – which turns out to be "To whom should I make out this cheque, Prime Minister?"
Starring: Rex Harrison as Tony Blair; 300 people you’ve never heard of as new peers.
CH verdict: the producers are singing all the way to the bank, and some of their junior staff will soon be singing to the Electoral Commission.
Slapstick comedy. The grown-ups have gone away and left a mere child in charge of the country. Some villains are trying to get into the House by forcing their way in with £10 million of soft loans. Will Young Tony’s moral fibre crumble and let him take the money? Yes.
Starring: Macaulay Culkin as Tony Blair.
CH verdict: not as unbelievable as we would like.
Biting social satire. A young woman packs in being a hairdresser and tries to better herself as Secretary of State for Education & Skills. Best scene: the dramatic part where the professor teaches her arithmetic – subtract 52 rebels from a majority of 66 leaves you in the pocket of the Tories.
Starring: Michael Caine as a very drunk professor; Julie Walters as the inexperienced newcomer.
CH verdict: yawn, but we’ll be hearing a lot more of this one for months.
THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA DROMEY
Tense film noir thriller. The Treasurer of the Labour Party turns up at the office one day to discover £10 million of cash no-one’s told him about. Where did that come from, he wonders out loud in front of 417 journalists, and then proceeds to tell everybody what a nice man Gordon is. Whose money is it? Is anyone going to get out alive?
Starring: Humphrey Bogart as Jack Dromey; Lauren Bacall as Harriet Harman; Peter Lorre as Tony Blair; Sidney Greenstreet as John Prescott; Edward G Robinson as Gordon Brown; 782 people you’ve never heard of as Labour Party donors.
CH verdict: the surprise ending isn’t actually a surprise.
45 million voters are still waking up thinking they’re reliving the Major Government.
Starring Bill Murray as the hapless man who just can’t make the weather anymore.
CH verdict: we told this one would run and run and run…
Brilliant stuff, William!