Garvan Walshe is a former National and International Security Policy Adviser to the Conservative Party. He is CEO of Brexit Analytica.

As recorded by the White House taping system. Obtained without assistance from Wikileaks.

The Oval Office


“It’s pronounced Reintz, Mr President.

“Yes, that what I’d said, Rinse! What a great name you have. Tremendous. The best name. Apart from Donald. Those curtains behind my desk. Whaddya think of ‘em?”

“They seem ok. I guess”

“I think they’re a bit, brown. Know what I mean? Brown, like Mexican. I don’t want something like that in my office. Unpresidented. I want something brighter, more American. We’re a great country, great country. We need great curtains curtains that show I’m rich. Gold curtains.”

“Right away Mr Pres—“

“Great. Great. Make America Great. See what I did there? Am I not the best president ever? The best president. Here I am. In the Oval Office. Bringing some style to the Oval Office. Me, Donald J. Trump with gold curtains. In the Oval Office. They said I couldn’t do it. Never do it.”

“Mr Pre-“

“This is a New America. Trump’s America. You know that that guy said to me yesterday, the raghead? So what if he’s a raghead? He’s got four wives. Gold taps. Same elevator designer as mine. Guy knows how to live.”

“He was the Saudi Arabian Ambassador. Mr President.”

“That’s what I said. The Saudi Arabian Ambassador. He told me. He told me. What they do in Saudi Arabia. Four wives at the same time. Same time. I’ve only had three. Three one after the other. I’m missing some kinda trick, right? But Saudi Arabia, called the country after the ruling family? Their king’s grandad called it after himself. What a mesnch, as Jared would say.”

“You’re next meeting, Mr President?”

“Who is it?”

“The British Ambasad—“


“No, the real British Ambassador, Kim Darroch”

“Kim, is she hot?”

“Kim’s a man. Technically called Nigel, but goes by ‘Kim.’”

“A man like the guy from Korea? The one with the second-best hair in the world?”

Phone Rings. Reince Preibus Answers.

“Show him in”

“Mr President.”

“Mr Ambassador. Kim – may I call you Kim? What a great name. Great name. Almost as good as Nigel. Welcome to Trump’s America. I want you to feel at home here, Kim. As we say here tu casa es mi casa as the bad hombres say. I’ve brought that famous bust back. I bet Crooked Hillary would have left in the corridor. I had one of your guys in here the other day. Amazing guy. Brilliant guy. Gove. Gorgeous Gove. Wrote a tremendous article – a stupendous article – about me. Donald Trump. In the White House.”

Priebus hands Trump a piece of paper.

“Kim, you say your Prime Minister wants to come and see me?”

“Yes, that’s right, Mr President, we think, that now that we have left the EU, we want to begin to deepen relationships with our traditional allies. And we’d like to start with the United States.”

“Left the EU? Brexit? Nigel told me about Brexit. How you got your freedom from a colonial power, just like we did. I tweeted your Prime Minister to drop in next time she was nearby. When is she next here?”

“Uh…next Thursday, Mr President.”

“Terrific. Terrific. ”

Nine days later

“Your briefing for your meeting with the British Prime Minister, Mr President.”


Trump scans the note.

“They burned down the White House?”

“Yes, sir, in 1814. After we invaded Canada.”

“Who do they think they are? Doesn’t surprise me. Weak Obama wouldn’t stop ‘em. Practically founded ISIS”

“1814, Mr President, not 2014.”

“Ancient history. Ancient history. We’re friends now. Great Friends. Best friends. Nigel told me that. Did you see this Rince?”


“Rinse. See this, they want a trade agreement? Like NAFTA? Like job-destroying NAFTA? I won’t give them a f***ing trade agreement. What kind of sucker do they think I am?”

“Nigel says it’ll be great agreement, Mr President. It’s the best time to do a deal with Britain. They’re leaving the EU, which takes 40 per cent of their trade. We’re the only country big and rich enough to replace them. They need us. They’ll be all alone.”

“Alone? Like a girl in a club who’s left her friends? Really?”

“Not literally, Mr President.”

“Seriously, Rince. Seriously not literally. That’s what they say. Seriously not literally. We’ll have the Brits over a barrel?”

“We can get them to change their food regulations, so we can sell them our beef, which they think is harmful…”

“Hmm? Like vaccines?”

“Yes, Mr President, like vaccines. And our health companies will be able run their “National Health Service” service, which is practically communist. It will stop them squealing about Obamacare too.”

“I like that, Rinse – buy them off with the British market. Will make things easier on the hill. You’re learning. Ok, get me some tic-tacs, show her in”

“One more thing, Mr President. She hates Nigel.”

“Madam Prime Minister, Welcome”

“Thank you, Mr President.”

“Mrs Prime Minister, can I tell you what a pleasure – real pleasure – it is to welcome you to my White House. Our countries have had a long history of working together, fighting together. I know we’re going to have a terrific relationship. Terrific. You’re leaving the EU?

“That’s right, as I have said, Brexit means Brexit.”

“I want to help you any way I can. I’m rich. America’s rich. Nigel tells me – sorry I wasn’t supposed to mention him – but he tells me. Tells me the Europeans want to punish you.”

“We want a constructive relationship with the European Union, but a punitive deal that punishes Britain would not be the act of a friend.”

“Exactly, like you said about Eastern Europe in your speech, ‘America wants to be a good friend to Britain in every way, and America’s armed forces are a crucial part of our collective defence.’ Let’s do a trade deal. I know how to do deals. Have you read my book? The Art of the Deal? Rinse! Get her a copy to take with her.”

“So we’re at the front of the queue?”

“Uh, call that an alternative fact. I want us to do a good deal. A terrific deal. The best deal. The best deal. Not the fastest deal. The best deal. For America. For America first. I want us to buy American products, and hire American workers.”

“I think there are clearly elements of mutual interest where we can work together—“

“Madam Prime Minister, the American people voted for me. And you can’t be expect to get a good deal if you’re not prepared to walk away. You said it yourself: no deal is better than a bad deal. What do you think of my curtains?”

“They’re gold! Isn’t that a bit extravagant?”

“Remember when you burned down the White House? You still haven’t paid us back.”