REGGIE largeFrom:


Subject :   Stayers and Quitters

Dear Dessie,

I saw you briefly across a sea of inebriated faces at the Parliamentary Awayday.  Like me, you made your escape just as the colleagues rushed from the dinner to free drinks at the bar care of the Party Chairman’s largesse – three grand went in 20 minutes.

Thank God we were spared the usual after dinner entertainment: quiz, impersonations, community singing and charades, all organised by the whips.  Soames got a sick note from matron and was excused attendance, whilst your humble servant had to join other backbenchers on a special coach with blackened windows that meandered around the Home Counties before dumping us in the Oxfordshire countryside.

Just like one of those escape and evasion exercises conducted by the boys at Hereford.  Mind you, young Matt Hancock was bitten by a police alsatian – but as Fabricant observed, the dog should live!

So much happened over the Easter recess whilst you were in darkest Switzerland with the gnomes of Zurich and I was rattin’ in Northumberland with the Jacks.  The ghastly reptiles were obsessed by that dodgy Panamanian tax haven, set up by some former Gestapo officers after WW2, criticising all and sundry until it was revealed that most newspapers had their pension funds locked away in the said Central American safe house.

We seem to be going through a series of scandals which reminds me of the Macmillan government.  The whips are understandably nervous, and at the Awayday we were warned not to go on websites such as “Totty on Demand”, “Get Laid” and “Nooky anonymous”.  I said to the Chief: “Who would be stupid enough?” and then realised I was – to say such a thing!

Like you, I did do some work on behalf of our local Crime and Punishment Commissioner candidate “Blagger” Bulstrode.  How the hell he ever got selected beats me – a former UKIP-supporting farmer who wants to have convicts replace Lithuanian guest workers picking fruit on his estates.

You and I are best following our old sarn’t major’s advice ref the EU debate – “keep your head down and your flies done up”.  We are now overwhelmed by a blizzard of claims and counter claims and bumf.  That document produced by HMG and shoved through every letter box was written by O.Letwin, the Brain of Downing Street.  Naturally Boris J had to lower the tone by suggesting it was useful material for one’s thunderbox.

Trouble is that there is too much cross dressing over the EU debate.  Soames and I wondered whether we could organise a prisoner exchange on the lines of that film “Bridge of Spies”.  Use Westminster Bridge and swop Boris (really a stayer) for Sajid (really a quitter).

Soames and I got caught up in an embarrassing incident outside White’s.  We emerged after a convivial evening, much refreshed, to be accosted by several attractive young ladies of East European extraction who proceeded to hug and kiss us.  They claimed to be part of a European “Hug a Brit” campaign to persuade us to stay in the EU.

I suddenly noticed someone taking photos, and you may have seen the results in that awful rag, the Mirror.   It appears the ladies were all “Piccadilly Lancers”.  Explaining it to the whips was child’s play compared to Lady Mary.  “No fool like an old fool…don’t say Soames led you astray…think of your grandchildren”  On the latter point, they were rather impressed that their Gramps still had it in him.

Latest in the EU front is that the Old Knuckleduster (a.k.a Rt Hon David Davis) fresh from his talks with Assad (the Mass Murderer) has opined that if the vote is to quit D.Cameron should remain as PM but not do the consequent negotiations.  Obviously requirements for a new foreign secretary, step forward the Old Knuckleduster – in his dreams!

Writing of the FCO, did you see that they have acquired a moggie to kill the vermin and rodents?  Named Palmerston – I hope he’s had the snip because if he takes after Old Pam there will be litters of kittens all over the shop.  I’m told he’s been taken down to GCHQ to be checked out for bugs.

I must finish as I am writing this in the Library and Bill Cash and Bernard Jenkin are bearing down on me with a purposeful tread – no doubt to bore me on some EU outrage or plot.

See you at the Regimental Cocktail Party next week – it’s a bit naff having it as a “bring a bottle”.

Yours till the next scandal,