REGGIE largeFrom :

To :  

Subject :    Boris and Miss World

Dear Dessie,

I hope that your people have got you out of the local chokey in Tabora – wherever the hell that is?  I could have told you that at weekends the FCO helpline works through a call centre in Mumbai.

Well, what a week!  God alone knows, Soames and I had advised the whips to drop Sunday trading as the Jocks and our bible wallahs had the numbers.  But no, they knew better: all leave cancelled with the infirm and incontinent hauled in. Tracey Crouch had to vote and left her baby boy in the arms of Soames in Members’ Lobby.  He had placed a spotted hankie as large as a table cloth over his diminishing paunch and was happily bottle feeding the young sprog, surrounded by Labour wimmin who couldn’t believe their eyes.  Soames: “I’ve bottle fed enough piglets in my time and a baby is only slightly more intelligent”.

I had wanted to speak in the debate on International Women’s Day but found my offer not appreciated by Nicky Morgan and Maria Miller who rather unkindly suggested mine was not the image that the modern, inclusive Conservative Party wants to project.

Meanwhile, Brother Fallon had to answer a UQ on the deployment of the RN Boom Defence Vessel, HMS Coypu, to the Aegean.  Our more traditionalist backbenchers were horrified to find that it has an all-women crew under the command of Lieutenant Commander Gertie Bracegirdle, who was a boxing blue at Oxford.  As Colonel Bob opined: “She may not frighten the people smugglers but by God she frightens us!”  But our “outers” were enraged to discover that HMS Coypu was part of an EU force under the command of Korvettenkapitan Doenitz (yes, he is the great-nephew) of the Kriegsmarine in his pocket frigate the “Clausewitz”.

You have missed several very jolly parties including the usual booze-up and line-dancing  at the Irish Embassy.  Then Lady Mary and I attended the Ashcroft 70th birthday bash at the Grosvenor – last thing I wanted to do, but Lady Mary advises him on his charities.

Ashcroft has a wicked sense of humour and had placed the “Old Knuckleduster” (aka the Rt Hon David Davis) next to Mrs May.  But the O.K nipped in early and swapped seating cards. Then Boris J lurched in, scratching his derrière, before being gripped by Lady Mary and told to tuck his shirt in and go and wash his hands.  Boris was sat next to Miss World and spent the evening having an intimate conversation with her cleavage.

The War of the European Succession continues, with Boris concentrating on his leadership bid and Number Ten drawing up laundry lists of supporters writing letters to the papers – ballet dancers, hairdressers, pop stars and oligarchs.

But you will have seen that the real row was over alleged comments by Her Madge supporting the outers.  The Lobby is convinced the story came from M.Gove, who was over refreshed at the Murdoch wedding and naively believed his gossip was off the record – though not to that tough tabloid editor Gallagher of the Sun.  All hell let loose with Clegg dragged in and the royal retainers threatening legal action – perhaps they should consult the Lord Chancellor, ho , ho, ho!  Apart from lesé majeste, the involvement of HM is unbelievable.  Now if it had been the Duke of E ….say no more!

The War of the European Succession is bringing out the worst in people.  In the Tea Room even the outers have stopped reading the Telegraph and Mail just too boring, but they are much in demand at the Labour end.  Complete cross dressing as our people read the Grauniad and the Morning Star is doing.

Much pleasure at hearing that the Old Bruiser K.Clarke is writing his memoirs to be published just in time for the Reichsparteikonferenz. No holds barred, and some wonderful anecdotes about cricket, football, smoking, claret and bird watching.  I understand the title is Fifty Shades of Blue.  Meanwhile the outers are running scare stories like because of the EU, Battersea Dogs and Cats home is full of German shepherds and Polish pussies.

Soames and I were invited by the bar flies at Whites to give our thoughts on the budget on the misunderstanding, perhaps understandable, that G Osborne confides in us.  “Basher” Biggs and “Bubbles” Barclay fear the worst and that the Chancellor intends squeezing their investments until the pips squeak.  We confirmed their pessimistic assessment after copious quantities of fizz, with Soames emphasising hard times, belt-tightening, no five course dinners and prosecco rather than Pol Roger.  “Basher” and “Bubbles” are now on the Club’s “at risk” list.

Hopefully, the FCO willing, you will be back home in one piece next week.  Do you fancy a serious lunch at “The Old Slapper” restaurant in Sloane Square – my treat?

Yours till closing time,