Wanted: High-calibre individual capable of making decisions that will affect millions of lives, including people's economic livelihoods, their liberty and whether they die in wars.
Key job description:
- You are never permitted to have any fun. Especially forbidden are: dancing; skiing; horse-riding; dining. Be aware that this is sometimes misleadingly described as “You are not permitted to have any fun whilst others suffer or whilst there is a crisis anywhere in the world.” But of course there is always a crisis somewhere and always someone suffering.
- Starting pay will be poor. You are never permitted to have any pay increases. Any attempt to agitate for pay increases will result in your being condemned as “heartless” and “out of touch”.
- You must be willing to spend large amounts of your time detailing everything you spend money on, including items costing below £1. Anything you spend that is open to criticism or mockery will result in the end of your career.
- You must be willing to spend significant amounts of time detailing any money you receive. Your tax returns will be open to discussion and debate by newspapers. You should be careful to arrange your tax affairs so that you incur the maximum amount of tax possible. Any failure to do this will result in public mockery and the end of your career prospects.
- You must be prepared to spend most of your time dealing with matters over which you have no control and that do not fall under your responsibility but instead are explicitly the responsibility of others. If you spend time reading about and/or debating matters that are directly your responsibility, you will be attacked as lazy and out of touch and your career prospects will vanish.
- If any member of your family does anything, including without your knowledge, open to mockery or criticism, even if that activity is pursued by the majority of the population (but they just don’t like to admit to it), your career prospects will vanish.
- Journalists will investigate your life history and those of your family. If anything you have ever done can be represented as an indiscretion, whether fairly or not, your career prospects will vanish.
- Although standards of probity in this industry are extremely high, successful candidates will need to be willing to be assumed to be (and frequently publicly discussed and upbraided as if they were) corrupt, self-serving, wicked liars.
- Regardless of how hard you try or how much you achieve, your career will inevitably end in failure and disgrace. This is quite likely to happen within five to ten years of your commencing in the role. After you exit this job it is almost inconceivable you will ever be able to achieve anything worthwhile.
Prior to taking up the job, the preferred candidates will have to be willing to spend most of their weekend time, for several years, travelling significant distances to engage in mundane tasks that don’t require their presence.
When applying, please bear in mind that one will face stiff competition for places, mainly not from other high-calibre candidates, but from large numbers of low-calibre people who believe anyone can do the job. Also, please bear in mind that although in theory we are an equal opportunities employer, in practice you are much more likely to obtain a position if you are (a) a member of an ethnic minority; (b) a woman; (c) very rich.
We expect a large number of high-quality applicants, so do apply early.