Plus: Boris’s multiple problems. The Chancellor’s dodgy figures. Euro referendum recriminations everywhere. And: SNP MPs in white Y-front shreddies.
Plus: The Parliamentary Awayday. Matt Hancock is bitten by a police alsatian – but as Fabricant observed, the dog should live!
Plus: Soames bottle-feeds the Crouch childlet. Gove’s lesé majeste. And: It’s Ken Clarke’s memoirs – Fifty Shades of Blue.
Therese Coffey carried out young Gavin Williamson, the PM’s ADC, who was tired and emotional, in a fireman’s lift. He hasn’t been seen since.
Plus: Boris wrecks the Black and White Ball. Colonel Simpson meets the Romanovs. Soames contra mundum. And: swimming lessons with Penny Mordaunt.
Plus: Sir Simon Bowie, Soames on a diet, the Trussette on manoeuvres, tiger nannies, and Proud to be Out. And: Time for Liders to get his British Empire Medal.
And I’m having none of that nonsense about Dry January.
Plus: Boris’s party is raided by the Vice and Drugs Squads. The Home Secretary says it was “a police operational decision”
Plus: Soames makes his way towards a gender-neutral loo. Lunch with Tyrie, lunch with Kirby. The Shipley Strangler strikes again. And: George Simpson saves the day.
Plus: Portaloos for the Lords Car Park. My ancestor’s exploits at Agincourt. The Spectre of Mel Stride. And: Priti Patel at the Male, Pale and Stale.
Plus: Tracey Crouch gets a women’s rugby team to bar the Chancellor. And: a new Tory One-Night-Stand dating app called Blue on Blue…
Plus: Soames’s “serious environmental work” (i.e: shooting). Brothers Cash and Jenkin lose the plot. The agony of Kevan Jones. And: I am shaken by a Psychedelic Orgasm.
He’s had a bad week with the Chancellor taking the proverbials out of him and then Mrs May ragging him over the purchase of his antiquated German water cannon.
Proceedings were interrupted by a large rodent, which was eventually cornered by young Hancock, who strangled it and dropped it out of the window.
Plus: Colonel Simpson tells the tearoom that the Bavarian schloss in which the G7 was held was “an SS Officer Training School during the late hostilities”.