Lynton Crosby – special mention in dispatches, pushed Tories north of 35 per cent.
Party member respondents to ConHome’s monthly survey – 72% said that Cameron would be back in Downing Street as Prime Minister.
Nick Clegg, because he won.
Justine Thornton – spared up to five grim years or more as a Downing Street spouse.
Dr Tania Mathias.
Boris (because his leadership campaign for 2018 is intact).
The Sun (in England).
The Sun (in Scotland).
Louise Mensch – a safe seat for that woman!
Charlotte Leslie, ConservativeHome columnist.
Dan Hodges (because he was right about Miliband all along).
Conservative air war.
Tory rebels (because they now hold the whip hand).
The NHS – £8 billion extra.
Labour in Bradford West.
Most Conservative candidates in red/blue marginal seats.
Nearly all Conservative candidates in blue/yellow marginal seats.
Sir John Major.
Danny Kinahan – new Ulster Unionist MP.
Lots of people who pay inheritance tax.
Tory SpAds returning to their departments.
Talking of SpAds, Nick Timothy, mastermind of the Tory campaign in Thanet South.
Andrew Gimson, ultimate good luck token for Conservative candidates in red/blue marginal seats.
Andrew Gimson, top of the range in the ConHome Christmas sweepstake on Tory seats: predicted 330.
Karen Danczuk. She just must be. Somehow.
Parents who work in the labour market.
Most, ahem, pundits. Including this one, more or less.
The Conservative Party’s private election estimates.
All Conservative future leadership candidates and their teams – who must now stand down. For the moment.
Labour in England.
Labour in Scotland.
Tablets of Stone.
Sam Cam – now cursed to two more years in Downing Street. Probably.
Nick Clegg, because his party was smashed.
All LibDem women MPs.
Martin Freeman. Yes.
Boris (because his leadership campaign for 2015 is stymied).
The Guardian – curse of its election endorsement strikes again.
Dan Hodges (because he now has to streak naked down Whitehall).
Tory Whips (headaches, headaches, headaches).
Tory Rebels (because of Cameron’s win).
And, as ever…Neil Kinnock.
British Bill of Rights.
Fixed Term Parliament Act.
Conservative ground war. (Discuss.)