Momentum’s plan to offer free childcare to help parents get involved in politics is a nice idea – it’s a shame when political activity becomes dominated by those with nothing else to do, to the exclusion of others. The second part of the proposal – to provide political education to the children once they are ensconced in the soft-play gulag is rather more troubling.
However, never let it be said that ConservativeHome is unhelpful. When Mary Creagh criticised Thomas the Tank Engine for sexism, we offered some other cartoons which she might like to make more progressive. In the same spirit, here are some ideas for children’s shows that could be re-modelled to deliver socialist lessons to the Corbyn Youth:
- Teletubbies. After repeatedly missing annual quotas for production of Tubby Custard, the heavy industry of Teletubbyland must become more efficient in order to deliver the latest five-year plan. To that end, Tinky Winky has been shot and replaced by a surly but dedicated machinist named Pavel.
- Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons. The Captain and his colleagues are made redundant as part of a unilateral disarmament programme, led by Jeremy Corbyn. The Mysterons are invited to tea at the House of Commons so that the Labour leader can apologise for the West’s unprovoked bombing campaign against their Martian city.
- Bagpuss. The archetypal fat cat had grown obese and lazy from the profits created by the wage slavery of several mice. His capitalist enterprise has since been nationalised, and a committee of mice now control the means of production. Professor Yaffle has been redeployed to more productive work on a collective farm.
- In the Night Garden… The Night Garden has come under threat from ruthless developers, who plan a new airport runway and several thousand unaffordable executive homes. Iggle Piggle and three of the Wottingers were recently arrested after breaking into the Pinky Ponk’s hangar and gluing themselves to its propeller, under the brand of Black Lives Matter UK.
- Balamory. What’s the story in Balamory? Well, children, Edie McCredie is currently driving her bus to the gulag, after being denounced by Miss Hoolie for counter-revolutionary thought. Archie the Inventor has been evicted from his pink kulak-castle by the local workers, whom he had oppressed by his hoarding of inventions. What will become of Archie, you ask? I don’t know who you mean, there never was a person of that name.
- Danger Mouse. After years as an unaccountable agent of British military intelligence, a helpful leak by Russian hackers has exposed the details of Danger Mouse’s extra-judicial surveillance operations. He is currently awaiting trial.
- Bodger and Badger. Mr Bodger now resides with the Animal Liberation Front, after Letsby Avenue Junior School became a Free School and banned mashed potato on the advice of Jamie Oliver. Badger was killed by a Gloucestershire farmer in 2013, under the Tories’ cull programme.
- Captain Planet. This cartoon stays exactly the same.