Jeremy Kyle: “Welcome to the show. Today we’ll be hearing a story which is all too common – has your partner been considering cheating on you, with your worst enemy? Everybody, please give a warm welcome to…David!”

Audience applaud as David walks onto set. He is wearing a royal blue tie, and his face is set in a stern expression – a tight grimace, with lowered brow.

Jeremy Kyle: “Hi David, take a seat. I know you’ve got a traumatic tale to tell us – why don’t you start from the beginning. How did the relationship start?”

David: “Well, I always hoped to live solo. Set my own agenda, do what I wanted. But, you know, life doesn’t always work out how you expect. To get by, I needed a partner, and that’s where Nick came in.”

JK: “Ok, so this guy Nick – how did you meet?”

David: “Through work. I’d never really noticed him, until suddenly everyone was talking about how great he was and I even found myself agreeing with him. When I needed someone, he was there.”

JK: “So it started well, right?”

David: “Absolutely. At the start, it was all roses. And even when quite a lot of his friends, and quite a lot of my friends, didn’t think we should get together, that just made us stronger.”

JK: “But now you’re starting to feel like there’s something wrong?”

David: “Yes. For a few years we did everything together. Sometimes when my friends didn’t like something we were doing, his friends would support it, and sometimes the opposite happened – it felt like we had more in common with each other than with the people we were hanging out with before we met. But lately, it’s not the same. When his mates slag me off, he wouldn’t disagree with them. And then I heard he was thinking of cheating on me.”

JK: “How did you hear that?”

David: “He told the BBC.”

JK: “That must have come as a shock – here’s this person, who you relied on and who said he needed you, and all of a sudden he’s changed his tune.”

David: “It was hurtful – four years in, he’s suddenly all like, ‘he’s changed, he’s not the man I went into Government with’. I mean, I went along with it when he wanted an AV referendum, and everyone was laughing at the idea. As soon as I want one on the EU, I’m an embarrassment.”

JK: “So he hurt your feelings. But you said you were worried he might be unfaithful – who’s the other person in this mess?”

David, whispering: “Ed.”

JK: “And this is someone else from work, right?”

David: “Yeah…”

JK: “Well, I think it’s about time we asked Nick some tough questions. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is – Nick!”

Audience boo as Nick walks on stage. His tie is yellow, and he’s looking hurt and confused, like a pigeon which has been run over but doesn’t realise it yet.

Nick: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry…”

JK: “That’s all very well to say, mate, but do you mean it?”

Nick: “All I’m trying to do is find the centre ground here.”

JK, gesturing at David: “Look at him. He’s annoyed all his friends to build this thing with you, he’s stood by you while you’ve made a tit of yourself, he’s backed you up when your mates don’t approve, and now you’re saying ‘I don’t want it any more’.”

Nick: “I’ve just realised we want different things. When it was all about Lords reform and AV, I thought David was my kinda guy – now he’s picked up loads of horrid hobbies like cracking down on benefits tourists, I just don’t recognise him.”

JK, to audience: “Well, we asked Nick to take a lie detector test. Do you want to know the results?”

Audience go wild.

Nick: “Look, I’m not sure this is in the spirit of modern liberalism…”

JK: “Shut it, Edward Snowden. We asked you, ‘Did you promise to give the British people an in/out EU referendum?” You answered No, our test found…..that was a lie.”

Audience boos.

JK: “And that’s not all. We asked you, ‘Was the coalition agreement quite clear that boundary reform wasn’t conditional on Lords reform?’ You answered No, our test found…that was a lie.”

Audience light flaming torches.

JK: “It goes on! Lies and lies and lies. We asked you, ‘Do you actually like Vince Cable, or is he an almighty pain in the backside?’ You said ‘I like Vince a lot, he saw the whole financial crisis coming and I think he’d make a great Chancellor.’ Our lie detector burst into flames, badly burning the operator.”

Nick, singing: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry…”

JK: “I think I’ve heard enough from you for one day. Let’s speak to the other side of this sorry tale. Here he is…Ed!”

Ed enters, stage left, trips over his chair and eventually sits down, with one trouser leg tucked into his sock.

JK: “So, we’ve heard a lot about you. You’ve been listening back stage to all this. What are you gonna do to sort it out, eh?”

Ed: “These strikes are wrong at a time when negotiations are still going on.”

JK: “Pardon?”

Ed: “These strikes are wrong at a time when negotiations are still going on.”

JK: “What are you on about?”

Ed: “These strikes are wrong at a time when negotiations are still going on.”

JK (to Nick): “Well, it’s your life, but I don’t get what you see in him, mate.”

Fade to black.

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