If any readers feared that the Labour Party might ditch loony leftism for Christmas, then rest easy. Mary Creagh, the Shadow Transport Secretary, has picked today to take leave of her senses and lambast Thomas the Tank Engine for its lack of female trains.

To save her team the effort of coming up with their next few press releases, here are a few suggestions as to how she could continue the theme:

  • The Lion King is based on outdated monarchist ideas. Disney ought to replace Simba with a directly elected Lion President, elected by Single Transferable Vote.
  • Bucky o’Hare is a genocidal terrorist who glamourises killing toads purely on the grounds of their ethnicity. Any remake should feature toads who are individually proved to be responsible for offences being extradited with due process to face a galactic war crimes court, not summarily “croaked” by armed vigilante rabbits.
  • Inspector Gadget irresponsibly uses large amounts of energy-hungry heavy machinery. His numerous gadgets ought to be subject to green taxes in order to reduce his carbon emissions as soon as possible.
  • Popeye, whilst a laudable consumer of at least five portions of spinach a day, seems to use this nutritional advice in order to “fights to the finish”. Perhaps it would be preferable for his diet to be cited as a reason for an extended attention-span and low levels of free radicals.
  • Oscar the Grouch can no longer live in a trash can on Sesame Street. From now on he will only live in said can once every fortnight, and will divide his remaining time between recycling bins, food waste boxes and a small community compost heap.
  • Snow White and the Seven Dwarves appear to be living in an unlicensed House of Multiple Occupation, seven to a bedroom. They or their landlord ought to face an investigation by the Enchanted Wood Borough Council forthwith.
  • The Wombles of Wimbledon Common will gain extended powers – instead of simply making use of the things everyday folk leave behind, they will from now on issue Fixed Penalty Notices to any everyday folk seen littering in this manner. Uncle Bulgaria will have full working rights from 1st January 2014.

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