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By Paul Goodman
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This is a congratulatory ToryDiary to mark Andy Murray's victory, written in the style of the texts and e-mails that we, the ConHome team, receive several times a day from Grant Shapps's top team at CCHQ:

  • Qatada: OUT.
  • Benefits Cap: IN.
  • Theresa May: ON A ROLL.
  • Deficit: DOWN.
  • Immigration: FALLING.
  • School Standards: RISING.
  • Wharton EU Referendum Bill: UP, UP AND AWAY.
  • Global Race: WINNING.
  • Hard-Working People: IN IT FOR THEM.
  • Government Record: PATTEN OF DELIVERY.
  • IDS: LEGEND.
  • Gove: WORKING CLASS HERO.
  • Clegg: WHO?
  • Olympics: LEGACY.
  • Weather: GLORIOUS.
  • Wimbledon: FABULOUS.
  • Andy Murray: VICTORIOUS.
  • Salmond: LOSER.
  • Cameron: WEARING TIE.
  • Miliband: WEAK WEAK WEAK.

It isn't necessary to believe all (or indeed any) of this to offer warm congratulations to Andy Murray on his victory, though we hope that the polls soon provide justification for today's outbreak of Conservative high spirits.

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