Published:

3 comments

REGGIE mugshot

From:       Reggie@toptory.lidl.com

To:            Desmond.Swayne@dfid.gov.uk

Subject:    “Stab-In-The-Back” Myth

Dear Dessie,

I must say it was a very jolly day had by one and all at the Tweseldown Point-to-Point a week ago, though Lady Mary was not impressed by dining at “The Bun in the Oven” (the local restaurant).  As Soames would say, a menu designed by florists for hairdressers! Soames and I were greatly taken by the photo you sent from Nepal.  We thought you were wearing a Bombay bowler with feathers had gone out with the Raj, but all those old Gurkha veterans seemed to be impressed.

The Party’s civil war over the EU continues at a manic pace, with insults all round and the whips despairing how they will ever put humpty dumpty together again. As part of a contingency plan for a Remain win, the Chief has booked a wing at the Priory to cope with the irreconcilable quitters.  The conspiracy theories continue, with Bojo ranting on about the EU being a successor to N.Bonaparte Esq and Herr Hitler – what is it about Hitler and former mayors of London? As a sensible quitter, you are well out of it in foreign climes.  The usual suspects are seeing plots everywhere and we await Boris blaming the Vatican and Freemasons.

All present, he is like a rabbit on crack – using the referendum as a dry run for the leadership hustings.  But he’s all over the place, enraging old quitter lags like Cash and Redwood by burbling on about bunches of bananas. His leadership campaign manager is in despair, with Bojo offering Cabinet posts – sometimes the very same one – to all and sundry.  He tells me that he is having to run a slide show for Boris with photos of MPs who that letter must then name.  Rather like the ack ack boys during the war distinguishing between a Spitfire and a Messerschmitt.  Same results – with Boris identifying Tristram Hunt as a Tory and Philip Davies as Labour.

Brother Gove is being trailed as a post-referendum unity candidate and as a shoe-in for Deputy PM.  Trouble is that for a clever schoolie he can only offer Albania as a model for the Motherland outside the EU.  With the prisons about to go up in flames, Soames reckons that he should concentrate on the day job.

The lunatic fringe in the quitters are already preparing, like the Huns in 1918, for a “stab in the back” myth, and gathering names to challenge DC – who feels betrayed by his former guru and tree-hugger, one S Hilton, who now lives in Silicon Valley.  Hilton is currently hero of the hour in the Daily Mail, who were busily denouncing him as a lunatic four years ago.

Mind you, the stayers aren’t much better, with the Chancellor producing Treasury briefs promising meltdown if we quit, reminding me of those dodgy accounts that the Mess Secretary used to produce at the Catterick garrison AGM.  Whatever happened to him?  Soames says he’s now running an NHS Trust.  No matter. Then there was the toe-curling endorsement of the Remain campaign by every freeloading theatrical luvvie ever employed by the BBC.

Meanwhile, the Comrades are still squabbling amongst themselves with Corbyn firmly in place – thank God.  Did you see him with DC processing to the Lords?  Looked like a vicar going into a knocking shop, and no small talk despite the PMs best efforts.

The Queen’s Speech was all about social mobility, something that Soames and I are very keen on.  Seems to me that every Parliamentarian must now claim to have had a bus driver for a father.  Do you think I qualify because my great Uncle Alby drove a London bus during the General Strike in 1926? Otherwise trivia dominates the media, as Soames points out in robust and colorful language on Twitter.  By the by – who is James Cleverley?

Much chortling over two SNP members having had an affair with the same journalist.  But as Soames said to me, the affair wasn’t the point: the girl outed one of them for wearing white Y-front shreddies. “As you know Reggie, gentlemen only wear silk, apart from Sir Simon Burns who wears Essex designer labels”.

Lady Mary was much exercised about the two female senior police officers who were embroiled in a catfight over the size of their mammary glands.  I tried to placate her by saying similar comparisons were not unknown amongst chaps.  Consequence – restriction of privileges for a fortnight.

I suspect there will be a few ministerial vacancies after the EU vote – P Mordaunt and P Patel on the “at risk list”.  Look forward to seeing you at the Cavalry/Guards Club a week Thursday for “Basher” Bolton’s book launch of his memoirs “Soldiering Gay and Grave”.

Yours till the next chota peg,

Reggie

3 comments for: Reggie to Dessie: My pitch for leader – my great-uncle was a bus driver. He drove one to help break the General Strike in 1926.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.