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Chris Tarrant

Chav (n.) derog. Uncouth member of British underclass. Fond of Burberry. In North West England scally.

Chav (n.) derog. abbrev. Cheltenham average. Used by pupils at Cheltenham Ladies’ college to refer to extra mural population.

Chav (n.) Follower of the late Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, esp. a regular caller to his phone-in show A lo Presidente.

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13 OCT 2015 TRANSCRIPT 12:00

OPENING MUSIC: Neil Diamond, He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome the Prime Minister’s Question time, with your host, Chris Tarrant.

(Applause, cheering)

TARRANT: It’s Wednesday. It’s lunchtime. It’s Westminster. That means only one thing.

AUDIENCE (loud, cheering): Prime Ministers’s Questions!

TARRANT: A big cheer for the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, the Right Honourable Ed Milibaaaaaand.

(Cheers, boos)

TARRANT: Order! Order! No booing. This may not be Parliament but we’ll have parliamentary behaviour here. Thank you.

TARRANT: First Question.

MILIBAND: I am sure that the House – sorry, studio – would join me in paying tribute to Lance Corporal Simon O’Brien and Captain Shaun Makepiece, who were killed in Iraq this week.

MUSIC: The Last Post

MILIBAND: This morning, I had meetings with ministerial colleagues and others. In addition to my duties in this House, I shall have further such meetings later today.

TARRANT: Let’s take a question from the audience.

(Consults card to recall pre-identified questioner)

TARRANT: Yes, the lady four rows from the back on the right. In the blue jacket.

KAREN: My father has been suffering with lung cancer for many years, but he’s been told he still hasn’t got the treatment he needed. You say Labour are the party of the NHS, why are things no better than they were under the Tories?

(Applause)

MILIBAND: Well, eh, you see. The truth of the matter is that we’ve only just started repairing the damage that the Tories…

(Boos)

MILIBAND: …the Tories did to the NHS with their endless, profiteering, reorganisation. That’s why this government has instituted a mansion tax…

KAREN: But you cut the health budget, when the Coalition had kept it growing.

MILIBAND: Because of the macroeconomic difficulties that occurred after our election and the need to form a confidence and supply arrangements with the Scottish Nationalists until the independence process is fully worked out…

KAREN: But you cut the health budget. You promised the NHS would be safe in your hands!

MILIBAND: Actually what we said was…

TARRANT: Ok, let’s move on now. We have another question, this time from the gentleman on in the middle towards the front. Yes, that’s right, you, in the green shirt.

KEVIN: We read in the papers that 14 members of the elite, including journalists and senior business people have been arrested have been arrested as part of the ongoing investigation into the paedophile ring that has scarred so many. When will they be given the punishment they deserve.

MILIBAND It’s very important, eh, that the police investigate these allegations fully. They are still only allegations, they have not been proven, and that the due process…

UNIDENTIFIED AUDIENCE MEMBER: No smoke without fire!

MILIBAND: …due process of law is followed and that if convicted…

AUDIENCE: Paedo defender! Scum!

TARRANT: Order!

TARRANT: Mr Prime Minister, you have three lifelines left, would you like to to use one?

MILIBAND: Yes, I’ll ask the audience.

TARRANT: Ok then, audience, get ready. Should the 14 arrested today be (a) Let go free, (b) Tried and if convicted sentenced according to the law, (c) Left to rot in jail, (d) Hanged. That’s (a) Let go free, (b) Tried and if convicted sentenced according to the law, and (d) Hanged. Audience, use your voting buttons….

(Voting music. Bars on a graph wiggle unpredictably.)

TARRANT: We have the answers. A: 2 per cent. B: 31 per cent. C: 10 per cent. D: 57 per cent. The audience is pretty clear, they want them HANGED! What’s your answer going to be?

(Music)

MILIBAND: I uh, don’t think that’s quite right. Can I take a 50-50?

TARRANT: Computer, remove two answers at random.

(Music)

TARRANT: Right. The computer has removed (a) Let them go free, and (b) Give them a fair trial and sentence them according to the law.

(Cheers from the audience, interspersed with a few gasps)

AUDIENCE: Hang them! Hang them!

TARRANT: Order! Order!

MILIBAND: Oh, that’s not what I expected… I think I should phone a friend.

TARRANT: Ok. Which friend will that be?

MILIBAND: Ed Balls…no, he wants my job. Douglas Alexander, no, he wants my job too. Yvette Cooper, same problem. I don’t suppose David will answer, it’s very early in New York. Better pick that last one.

TARRANT: Are you sure?

MILIBAND: I don’t suppose I have much … choice.

TARRANT: Ok, it’s a London number.

(Phone rings) 

(And rings)

VOICE ON THE PHONE: Hullo.

TARRANT: Hello, it’s Chris Tarrant here, from Prime Minister’s Questions.

VOICE: Cripes! … I mean Golly. Gosh!

TARRANT: Yes, you’re on national TV.

VOICE: Absolutely, of course. Nothing better. Right. Right. What can I do for you?

TARRANT: Well I’ve got the Prime Minister, and he’d like to ask you a question, as you’re Leader of the Opposition.

MILIBAND: Boris, would you like my job?

BORIS: Crikey! Well, um, jolly nice of you to ask. Crumbs! I suppose I’d better cut back on the olives, it looks like I’ll be reincarnated as one.

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