Andrew Gimson’s PMQs sketch: May has a future as a teacher of economics for beginners

Sir Desmond Swayne stayed awake, and was greeted with a roar of appreciation.

Lord Ashcroft: Why were these wise warnings on St Helena’s airport ignored?

An experienced pilot warned David Cameron of the problems seven years ago.

Reggie to Dessie: My pitch for leader – my great-uncle was a bus driver. He drove one to help break the General Strike in 1926.

Plus: Boris’s multiple problems. The Chancellor’s dodgy figures. Euro referendum recriminations everywhere. And: SNP MPs in white Y-front shreddies.

From Reggie to Dessie: That Ashcroft extravaganza. As Davis edged further from Mrs May, Boris edged closer to Miss World…

Plus: Soames bottle-feeds the Crouch childlet. Gove’s lesé majeste. And: It’s Ken Clarke’s memoirs – Fifty Shades of Blue.

From Reggie to Dessie: The Chancellor’s Vicar on Earth, G.Hands, and His Cup Bearer, M.Hancock, are bringing in penitents to the Presence

Therese Coffey carried out young Gavin Williamson, the PM’s ADC, who was tired and emotional, in a fireman’s lift. He hasn’t been seen since.

From Reggie to Dessie: Davis goes on tour – “like Gladstone, but without the sense of humour”

Plus: Boris wrecks the Black and White Ball. Colonel Simpson meets the Romanovs. Soames contra mundum. And: swimming lessons with Penny Mordaunt.

From Reggie to Dessie: Anne Milton, Soames, gender fluidity…and poppers

Also: Britain Stranger in Europe. Leagues of Empire Loyalists in Kettering. Elliott and Coates in bars and bogs. Plus: Donald Tusk or is it Trump?

From Reggie to Dessie: Why Tyrie’s chances of a knighthood are now in deep cold storage

Plus: Sir Simon Bowie, Soames on a diet, the Trussette on manoeuvres, tiger nannies, and Proud to be Out. And: Time for Liders to get his British Empire Medal.

From Reggie to Dessie: It’s Mike Penning as Father Christmas – and carols led by Dr Coffey on a karaoke machine

Plus: Boris’s party is raided by the Vice and Drugs Squads. The Home Secretary says it was “a police operational decision”

From Reggie to Dessie: Letwin – fine, if you want the Times crossword completed in five minutes. But…

A pre-CSR session with the Chancellor at Dorneywood. Have the Chinese bugged Freya the Cut? DC One’s second-hand fittings. And: Boris Bearded.

From Reggie to Dessie: Calling all Tory MPs. If in doubt of your sexuality, please consult Dr Sarah Wollaston or Dr Phillip Lee

Plus: Soames makes his way towards a gender-neutral loo. Lunch with Tyrie, lunch with Kirby. The Shipley Strangler strikes again. And: George Simpson saves the day.

From Reggie to Dessie: Conference walkers. Will the PM’s next piece of arm candy be Johnny Mercer?

Plus: Tracey Crouch gets a women’s rugby team to bar the Chancellor. And: a new Tory One-Night-Stand dating app called Blue on Blue…

From Reggie to Dessie: How the Speaker returned a favour to Mrs Balls

Plus: Soames’s “serious environmental work” (i.e: shooting). Brothers Cash and Jenkin lose the plot. The agony of Kevan Jones. And: I am shaken by a Psychedelic Orgasm.

From Reggie to Dessie: A classic pincer movement from Osborne and May prangs Boris

He’s had a bad week with the Chancellor taking the proverbials out of him and then Mrs May ragging him over the purchase of his antiquated German water cannon.

From Reggie to Dessie: It took four Drag Queens to get Soames aboard the Gay Pride Float

Proceedings were interrupted by a large rodent, which was eventually cornered by young Hancock, who strangled it and dropped it out of the window.